Shampoo Day
Firstly let's discuss last night's drama.... we got a WhatsApp message shortly after arriving back last night from the surgery coordinator Emre (who I always think Eddie is talking about Henry) so let's call him the elusive Henry, as we haven't seen him yet. Henry said we had to go today at 4:30pm for our first shampoo but said could Eddie meet Emma in reception at 8:15 to go to the hospital as the surgeon's assistant wanted to speak to Eddie. Well, that was it Eddie had convinced himself he had terminal belly button fluff syndrome and 2 weeks left to live.By the time the hotel with Emma he’d already planned the funeral, the wake and I’d volunteered to do the buffet. He’s not in the least bit dramatic honest.
Not long after, he came back looking a lot more chipper than he did when he left to the sound of the funeral match all dressed in black. Turns out he wasn’t dying and they were just concerned he didn’t bleed a lot so wanted to give him aspirin to thin his blood so he didn’t get a clot. So I canceled the salmon sandwiches and quiche and called off the undertakers.
So Eddie went back to bed and was asleep in no time. Within minutes I was listening to the Istanbul Soundtrack in the hotel room, which was a compilation of Eddie Snoring and sounded like he's drowning in his own phlegm and the call to prayer wailing outside being broadcast from somewhere up on high. I have tried to record them both so if you play the below recordings on high volume at the same time you will get an indication of the Chinese water torture I am currently enduring. Have a sleep he says, you feel better after a sleep he says. YOU TRY SLEEPING THROUGH THIS RACKET !!
When I work out how to do it I will upload the audio file I recorded.
At 13:45 I got a taxi to the hospital for my dressings off and my hair shampoo'd as Henry had asked if I could come earlier before the hospital got busy. (ooh fancy, I feel like one of them ladies that has a rinse and set lol). I say hair I mean my scabs and what feel like mini cocktail stick follicles as I don't think it classes as hair just yet. This time I got lucky and the driver managed to work his satnav and put in the address of the hospital. When I arrived Steven Spielberg wasn't there to greet me so it seems my staring role has been reduced to a walk on bit part, charming! lol. I rang todays host to let him know I had arrived and he appeared minutes later. He introduced himself so fast and the name sounded so long I could swear he said his name was CinderellaKickItUpOneTime so forthwith he shall be known as Beardy Bob.
Meet Bob....
We went into one of the private rooms where someone was just finishing off having their hair shampoo's with the bathroom door open and waited to be seen. Simon was smelling just as Pungent and clearly hasn’t been introduced to a tin of deodorant in a while. Although seeing the shifts he works, he didn’t leave till prob 1am was back in by the time Eddie went for his post-mortem to see what he died of, so he probably slept in his clothes and then came back in.
Meet Simon>>>>>>
Next it was my turn so he put some gel in my head that apparently breaks down the blood. It smelt a bit like perming solution, I thought easy tiger let me grow it a bit first before you start trying to put rollers in it.
Bob could speak really good English and I managed to have a laugh with him and Simon with Bob acting as compare and the translator, while I took centre stage (very unlike me to bask in the limelight of some newfound acquaintances' attention). I asked him if brain juice would pour out of all the boreholes in the back of my head. He laughed and said ‘if it does it’s because you have too much brain, so no need to worry’.
Simon sprayed foam on my head and then used a water bottle spray of warm water to wash off the foam and gel underneath. During all of this he patted my head as you are not allowed to rub it until it has all taken root properly.
Todays look is this>>>>>
Me and Eddie look like Aliens from some weird species as we both have the same weird pattern on our heads. I think people in Istanbul are used to all the Cosmetic Surgery
Taxi driver mayhem
Nobody seems to want to go over the bridge or under the tunnel so it can take 2 of 3 attempts of stopping one to find one who wants to play ball. That's why the host being with you is a godsend. I’m gonna refuse to rock up on mi own anymore without Emma or Bob being with us.
Eventually, Frank Bruno agreed to take me but explained her was doin a driver change and it would only take 2 mins. He didn’t pause the meter mind so technically I paid for the shift change. Anyone Bruno got out and Al Pacino got in looking not too pleased to be starting shift.
On the way over the bridge there are fella's in the middle of the lanes on a 4 line flyover selling everything from bottles of water to bananas. If things don’t work out and I end up permanently disfigured I might start flogging greeting cards from the central reservation on the M6. One fella had a large bag with what looked like pizza bases, maybe the idea is that by the time you’ve got to the other side you’ve bought enough ingredients to whip up a pepperoni pizza when you get home ?
He took the wrong turn so did a good mile of the journey backward which I hoped was taking something off the fare. Almost wiped out 4 or 5 pedestrians whilst trying to reset his satnav. Then spoke to me in full-blown Turkish as if I understood every word, but I took it to loosely mean "I'm jiggered if I know where this hotel it".
Anyway, through a combination of his satnav and my keen eye, we spotted the hotel. He tried telling me it would be 80 tickle tackles (Turkish Liras) plus the 10 TL for the bridge fee. I was like "I don't think so sunny Jim this ain't my first rodeo, I've been down this road before and it doesn't end well for you". So I gave him 80tl which was the usual 70 plus the additional 10. He tried getting all shirty and throwing his hands about but luckily some Turkish 20 something was standing nearby and explained I was;t paying the shift change and getting lost etc.
So we reached a compromise.....I got my way and he didn't!
Back at the hotel ordered some food cos I was STARVIN having had nothing to eat all day. I didn't me and Eddie going down to the restaurant looking like two extra's from The Mummy.
All in all that was my day. Still got my pumice-stone grill, can’t wait to get mi new Simon Cowels but I hope they look more like Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez Versini-Pain's (try getting that on a birthday cake).
Still managed to meat this though>>>>>
