Today I have made the decision to completely stop drinking. It's not something I am doing on a whim it is something I feel is necessary to become the best version of myself and something I have been thinking about for a while.
There was something that was the catalyst for this though which I wanted to outline.
Recently it came to my attention that a friend I've had for quite some time has been made to avoid get-togethers with our group of friends where I will be present because of a position I put her in. To cut a long story short a few years ago when we were on a night out, I behaved inappropriately toward her husband. This is something I had no recollection of and when I saw them both recently at an event he had been quite off with me for seemingly no reason. I woke the next day with a vague memory of him being off with me but had no idea why.
Then most recently our circle of friends were making plans to go visit a friend as a group and my friend was all up for going on the trip and I has originally said I probably couldn't go. Once I said I was going she suddenly went quiet and then said she would not be able to go. It was very obvious that she had changed her mind once I had said I was going so I got the feeling it was connected to our last encounter. I grilled one of my friends to ask what I had done that had annoyed him and it was explained about the incident some years before. As we hadn't seen each other until our last meeting it had just not come up.
Once I knew the reason for the awkwardness I reached out to my friend as I always try not to shy away from situations where I have been in the wrong. The only reason I have not addressed this sooner was that I was blissfully unaware of the incident. When there has ever been any conflict or anything I always prefer to deal with things head-on and admit my failings etc. She explained that she had been put in a really difficult position as she couldn't really be seen to be having a laugh and joke with me with pics on Facebook etc when her loyalty had to be to her husband. Anyway, I explained I would bow out of the trip as it was unfair for her to miss out on the get-together through no fault of her own. I didn't want to make things awkward for her and said I would happily explain why I wasn't going, which I did individually so as not to make her feel awkward in the group chat etc.
The thing is this isn't the first time I have caused problems because of my behavior when I've had a drink. I have even recently made light of the fact that sober Neil isn't there when drunk Neil is out etc. As much as I say that jokingly it's not actually far from the truth as I often have no recollection of the end of nights out. That isn't something I use as an excuse "Oh I don't remember" because as previously stated if I did remember I would want to address any wrongdoings. Even if nothing happens bad I still don't usually remember getting home or the latter part of the evening.
Not only is this scary to think that you have no recollection of the end of a night out, but it is also very dangerous. Imagine if I woke up with blood on my hands after a night out but had no memory of how or why? Then you switch on the TV to find that someone had been murdered nearby I don't think it would be a good defense in court that I simply could not vouch for my whereabouts or movements during the night in question. I mean it could be that I had tried to help someone injured but also it could have been that I was attacked and defended myself and the other person died. It could also be something as simple as I got a nose bleed when I got home, but not knowing would just be horrendous. How would I know? During the night I am obviously aware of what is going on etc but the next day it's like it's been wiped.
So often I have woken up with no memory of getting home with that awful beer fear wondering if I behaved myself the night before. I regularly look through my photos on my phone to see what kind of night I had and where I went after the last place I can remember. Sometimes it might job a few memories but more often than not I still have no idea and end up asking people I was out with how we got home etc. Many times I just leave once I feel like I've had enough on a night out so don't even tell people I am going.
Another reason I want to do this is for my mental health. I know that after a big night out on a Saturday, it take me until at least Wednesday to feel back to normal again. The Sunday is always a write-off and then Monday I feel down and shite, Tuesday I'm still in a low mood and procrastinating and Wednesday I start to feel half normal. The fact I am getting up at 5am to be more productive each day, but then losing 3 /4 days of productivity after a night out just cancels out all the good I am doing getting up at 5am.
So taking all this into consideration and not forgetting the health benefits of not drinking, I am taking the decision to completely stop drinking. I know it would be easier to simply say I am cutting down, but I honestly don't think I would be able to do that as once I have a few drinks the sensible part of me has gone"Tipsy Neil" is in charge and I would just think "I can have one more" and then you never actually know if that one will tip you over the edge of not. Tipsy Neil is a hoot but it only take a few more drinks before Drunk Neil is then driving the bus. So for me, the easiest way is to just cut out the drink completely.
So today is the start of my No Alcohol Journey.
I have an event coming up on Saturday 28th Jan where I am going on a First Choice Holidays Reunion and will be out with lots of people getting drunk. It would have been very easy for me to say "I'll start this journey after Saturday" but that is just another night of my life I could make a fool of myself and wake up with beer fear. So I figure why not throw myself in at the deep end?
I have already started typing up blog posts to document my journey but want to get Saturday out of the way first so that people don't know I am not drinking until after the fact. As I type this and have made that mental decision I actually feel lighter and I am looking forward to a sober life where I don't lose days feeling rubbish and can get the most out of every week.
I am by no means an alcoholic or drink dependent I just am making the decision to try to be the best version of me.
Wish me luck!