Why?
How many times have I woke up asking myself that very question. Why did I drink so much? Why do I feel so rough?
I recently posted about my decision to go completely alcohol-free but wanted to give it some more background and context.
From as early as I can remember, alcohol has been a part of my life. Even from when I was only very young I remember one of my babysitters, used to have a few cans of lager while she looked after me. I grew up in the era where parents (I don't mean mine in particular) went out Friday or Saturday nights after working all week. Sunday afternoons they would often go to a local conservative club or bowling club and take their kids. The parents would have a few drinks and the kids would get a bottle of coke with a straw and a packet of crisp. So to kids growing up in the 80's alcohol was pretty much normalised as the thing everyone did.
Unlike other vices like cannabis or cocaine, alcohol is legal and also a socially acceptable drug and something people are encouraged to have on any given social occasion. Birthdays, nights out, a meal with friends a funeral, none of which are complete without a glass of wine in hand (or whatever your tipple might be). When you say you are not drinking people seem to take exception to it and almost try to force a drink on you. Have we really reached a point in time where we are unable to enjoy social events without the use of alcohol?
As a small boy I would sometimes go to the pub with my dad, but never really liked the taste of "Dirty Beer" as he would call it. The closest I could get to drinking beer was a shandy with probably 3/4 lemonade and 1/4 beer. Even as I got older I could never get used to the taste so I stayed with the more pleasant taste of cider instead. Cider or "loopy juice" as it became know, was exactly that, LOOPY Juice cos it got you drunk quick and made you daft.
I remember house parties in my teens at my friend Jill Grahams and we would be drinking the cheapest cider we could get our hands on or white lightning for maximum impact. When I first started drinking alcohol it was definitely for confidence. I hated the way I looked and felt very conscious about talking to new people, but alcohol fixed all that. You could talk to anyone and have all the confidence you could want. The only trouble was that with that newfound confidence came a lack of inhibitions and awareness of your surroundings. Suddenly you do things you wouldn't normally be brave enough to do and also some things you probably just shouldn't do.
As I say I have always used alcohol as a kind of social crutch to give me confidence. People often make the mistake of thinking I am a confident person but deep down I am actually quite shy and often avoid putting myself in situations where I could embarrass myself. If I had to go to a meeting with a large group of people I've never met before, I'm not the first person to start speaking to people, quite the opposite, I'm usually the one that hangs back. If I got there and there was someone I knew at the meeting, then I would be quite chatty because I have some kind of support, so don't feel alone.
The problem with using alcohol to give you confidence is that it's misplaced. You think it makes you more outgoing or funny or a 'people person', but all it really does it make you not in control of your moral compass and decision-making. Things that you would not normally do sober, you suddenly think are a good idea, including what you should and shouldn't say to people. I tend to have no filter when I am drunk and have often blurted something out that's probably quite offensive, thinking it was hilarious and would get a laugh. What you should really be asking yourself is, if you wouldn't do it sober, is it really a good idea in the first place? If it's something you aren't doing because of shyness then surely the answer is to work on your confidence. But if it's something you wouldn't do because it's wrong then why would you think it's a good idea to put something in charge of you that thinks otherwise? The other problem (and there are many more I'm sure) is that the very thing that you think makes you the life and soul of the party, is the same thing that also makes you loud, obnoxious and someone who make bad life choices.
I know all too well how drunk people look when you are the designated driver who has agreed to pick someone up after a night out. I have absolutely no patience with them at all so I can only imagine how annoying I am when my confidence crosses over into loud and annoying. At the time I think I am hilarious and presume everyone else is on the same bus, but probably, some people are actually looking for their stop to get off.
I have also seen the devastation left behind when people have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and become an alcoholic. Some people turn into the worst version of themselves and can be aggressive, and abusive and have absolutely no consideration for anybody else because the only thing on their mind is carrying on the party and having that next drink. The problem is by the time you turn into the nasty version of you, it's already too late because alcohol has already taken over so there is no reasoning with that person. So instead everyone around them is walking on eggshells trying not to rock the boat for fear of them kicking off. Thankfully (or I would like to think) I am not an aggressive or nasty drunk, I'm probably just more annoying and a liability for those around me, making sure I am not pissing people off by being 'too much' or getting over amorous with the wrong people.
I am actually looking forward to enjoying nights out and not waking up with that beer fear wondering if I upset/offended anyone etc. Bring it on!